'Creepozoids' (1987) - David DeCoteau.   

 

“Shake it more than three times and ‘yer whacking’ it!” 

The obscure fact that I can still recollect the name of long-defunct video label (Colourbox) must surely be a towering testament to one of their more spectacularly suck-free Sci-fi/exploitation titles they released back in the 80s DTV boom, no doubt my memory being more than effectively tweaked by the preternaturally perky, terminally top-popping presence of juicy-jugged wet dream, the wonderfully lithe, wide-scream slasher queen Linnea Quigley! Back then, merely scoping that delectably diminutive doll’s name on the inevitably garish box engendered a violently Pavlovian, ‘must-rent-immediately’ response from me (and no doubt many others!), and after you factor in the additional inducement of one epically fabuloid title, that mercurial master of low-budget, high-toned, fly-blown monster mayhem David DeCoteau made me a zealous ‘Creepozoids’ fan for life!

‘Creepozoids’ is doomily set in the then hugely popular milieu of a dustily decaying, war-ravaged post-apocalyptic world, one additionally tormented by torrential sheets of tarmac-eating acid, and against this aggressively inhospitable dystopian backdrop our weary troupe of dishevelled army deserters find ostensible shelter in the only environment actively more toxic to their safety than the one they sought to escape!

 

Once deeply ensconced within this eerily abandoned, well-provisioned bio-engineering lab, bodaciously ta-ta’d B-Movie ass-kicker Blanca (Linnea Quigley) and her singularly sinewy beau hungrily make for the showers and provide some agreeably slippery-soapy slap n’ tickle for the more culturally astute cineastes, and before Blanca’s majestically moistened blonde mane is dry some sinisterly skulking, ink-skinned, elephantine-fanged Creepozoid swiftly gets his angry amino acids in a bloody uproar and this permanently pissed off ‘proto-Syngenor’ proceeds to righteously frag all their helter skeltering asses and if that wasn’t enough gruesome gravy for your meaty B-Movie broth, the deliriously disreputable filmmaker DeCoteau generously embellishes the already fulsome ingredients with some malevolently mutated rats and Full Moon Pictures trademark ‘freaky-faced killer baby’ for some additionally gnarly, stomach-churning savour! ‘Creepozoids’ is still, like, TOOOOTALLY amazeoids, dude!’  

 

'I'm the daddy now!'

'Who are y'all callin' a fussy eater?!'

'She 'aint much ta' look at but she's a beast in the sack!'