'General Commander' (2019) - Phillipe Martinez / Ross W. Clarkson.

Following the inevitable demise of a valued member of Seagal's 'elite' protogenetic crew, the whale of whupass sources 5 million bucks from some hatchet-faced bint to revenge his fallen comrade. Thusly armed, Alexander's rogue, meticulously buff crew go hard after groomed organ trafficking gangster, Gino Orsetti (Edoardo Costa). General Commander's slender running time proves welcome, since there's very little physical combat, two brief, unexciting bouts with sluggish, salami-sucking slugger, Seagal, some serviceable slo-mo vehicular carnage, predictably cornball text, mediocre Thesping and some bizarrely ostentatious globe-trotting. To be fair, I didn't hate it as much as I should, as there's suitably splashy squibbage, decent gun-toting totty, and one gruesomely gratuitous throat slashing!

Even the staunchest Seagalians have baulked at much of the conspicuously corpulent Sensei's exclusively sedentary DTV output. While the meals are getting bigger, the ideas are diminishing as the formulaic 'General Commander' is due a severe action court-martial! Steven Seagal plays whispery C.I.A. maverick, Jake Alexander, with the same monotonous foldy-hands inertia as all his other vengeful Black Ops OAPs. I can't in good conscience recommend this prosaic, poorly edited DTV shoot 'em up to lovers of refined cinema, as the rampantly artless suckage is omnipresent. Hardened bad film masochists, B-Movie banshees, and HUGELY forgiving Seagalians are duly warned to approach this unlovely DTV bullet-fest with caution!

 

 

 

 

 

'Unhinged' (1982) - Don Gronquist.

Director, Don Gronquist's ill-remembered, low budget 80s slasher is certainly not without glaring flaws, but, in truth, 'Unhinged' remains surprisingly watchable due to its moody, rain-lashed dramatics, impressively grandiose setting, and abundant eccentricities! Three playful teenaged party girls have their weekend escapades take a darker turn following a serious car accident. Once the girls have awakened dazedly in the plush surroundings of the conspicuously monied Penrose estate, they unsettlingly discover that their well-to-do hostess is quite possibly mad, and that lurking within this isolated, vastly sprawling estate, a member of this singularly strange family actively wishes them considerable harm!

Contrary to the naysayers, the bizarro thesping remains a major factor of Unhinged continued gonzo appeal. The prosaic text, and limited invention do their best to dampen the fun, but composer, Jonathan Newton's exemplary electronic score, does much more than merely keep it afloat! Gorehounds, perhaps, might feel chagrined by its lack of histrionic grue, but more psychotronically inclined terrornauts are sure to relish Unhinged's rare bounty of offbeat bellicosity. On reflection, Unhinged owes more to camp 70s Grindhouse oddities such as S.F Brownrigg's 'Don't Look in The Basement', William Girdler's 'Three on a Meathook' and, Danny Steinnman's later 'Unseen'.  

 

  

'Private Wars' (1993) – John Weidner.

Outside of the rabidly trash movie-loving cognoscenti, I honestly don't know why those doyens of destruction at PM Entertainment aren't more revered as DTV shoot 'em up gods! 90s exploitation is often disparaged, since very few wax nostalgically about, Billy Blanks Sci-fighting ouvre, but, utilizing robust filtering there are many batso Bobby Dazzlers yet to be discovered! If pyromaniacal PM Entertainment had only produced 'Private Wars' it would nonetheless remain a meritorious low budget treat! The credulity-sapping levels of B-movie bossage herein provides a plenitude of skewed shenanigans, and 'Private Wars' remains a veritable must-see for, Steve Railsback's dipso butt-kicking private dick, Jack Manning! This riotously entertaining heft of gun-happy hokum has sinister property developing sleaze, Alexander Winters (Stuart Whitman) paying bloodthirsty, Ghetto blasting goons to violently harass the locals into selling up.

The beleaguered community reluctantly approach liquor-sotted sleuth, Jack Manning (Steve Railsback) to take on these muscle-headed minions of sadistic crime Kingpin, Winters. The sheer bravura absurdity of having, Railsback as an indestructible Krav Maga-savvy Equalizer makes 'Private Wars' such a madly compelling misfire! A relatively unsung cult actioner, Steve Railsback's beerily sardonic, profoundly whiskey-warped, front-kicking, stumble-bum Seagal is pure DTV WTF gold! The fact that, Railsback is a quality actor makes his legless performance that much more precious. Watch 'Private Wars', trust me, you'll wonder where it's been all your B-Movie life! Not on the same lurid level as 'Deadly Prey' or 'Miami Connection', but the bountiful fisticuffs are ably choreographed by the noted martial artist, Jack Salvitti.

 

 

'Laser Mission' (1989) – B.J Davis.

B.J Davis's amiably roughshod, pyro-happy 80s actioner frequently felt like a, Fred Olen Ray concocted B-Movie blend of backstreet Bond and 'It Happened One Night', which, for me at least 'aint no bad thing! If one can forgive the mustily conventional comic book text, 'Laser Mission' remains a low budget, hi jinks-laden hoot! Replete with non-specific European accent, Ernest Borgnine's 'laser-weapon' building professor Braun uncomfortably finds himself in the rapacious clutches of Teutonic supervillain, Eckhardt (Werner Pochath). Can clean-cut, fleet-fisted Kung Fu agent, Michael Gold (Brandon Lee) save the world from imminently laser-guided doom?  

Along with the plentiful gun play, the pulchritudinous, Debi Monahan, scene-chewing villainy,noisome car crashes and ozone-depleting explosions, the main attraction remains handsome, Brandon Lee's energetically charismatic super-agent, Michael Gold. The fight scenes are of a happy-slappy, Johnny Ringo variety, and South Africa provides an unconvincing Cuban backdrop, yet even with its hinkey mise-en-scène, I kinda' dug it! Sure, it's conspicuously dumb, DTV Euro-spy schlock, but spunky Alissa (Monahan) is an agreeably busty, petrol-headed sidekick, the unflappable deadly do-right, Michael Gold is manifestly heroic, and 'Laser Mission' concludes boisterously with an enjoyably hyperbolic finale. Fans of, Fred Olen Ray, Frank Zagarino, and PM Entertainment are, perhaps, the more ideal demographic for, Beau Davis's fun, lowbrow, high-octane actioner.

 

 

 

 

GALLERY OF HORROR (1967) Dir. David L. Hewitt.

This perfectly pulpy, Creepy-creaky vintage Horror anthology has its prodigiously Ed Wooden prose elevated by horror maestros, Lon Chaney and macabre Monkey Suit monologist, John Carradine. A deliciously absurd and grungily atmospheric compendium that feels like a sluggishly sexless Fumetti come to fuzzy analogue life. Trash-humping degenerates who venerate, Al Adamson's scintillatingly septic ouvre will manifestly get this, while others might not. Artlessly mounted, yet bizarrely engaging, David L. Hewitt's generously cobwebbed Gallery of comic strip ghoulishness delivers a murky menagerie of recklessly recycled Roger Cormanized Gothicry. A riotously entertaining 60s schlockfest that richly deserves a foggily retrograded V2000 edition to lowlight its distractingly dingy drive-In dramatics! 

 

 

'Phantom of Death' aka 'Un delitto poco comune'(1987)  Dir. Ruggero Deodato.

The infamous cannibal King's thrillingly Graphic late-cycle Giallo finds frustrated inspector, Datti (Donald Pleasence) increasingly confounded by a series of especially gruesome slayings. The maniacal killer's malign modus operandi born of a dreadful degenerative disease provides a compellingly novel premise. The bravura bloodletting, eerily atmospheric Venetian locations, and maestro, Pino Donnagio's sinuous score is complemented with some exceptionally fine performances. Not exactly sympathetic, Michael York's perverse pianist, Robert Dominici arguably remains one of Gialli's more memorably girl goring malcontents. While the 90s would herald the death knell for inventive Spaghetti splatter, Ruggero Deodato's delirious aria of death-dealing dementia orchestrated a spectacularly sanguineous requiem to a wholly unrepeatable era of operatic, uniquely Italianate horror insanity!