‘The Last Slumber Party’ (1988) – Steven Tyler.

Heralded by some enervating sleaze-rock guitars courtesy of poodle rockers 'Firststryke' we are plunged somewhat discourteously into the excruciatingly tawdry milieu of Steven Tyler's stultifying, slug-paced teen-killer, shot on the same peanuts they paid the 'writer' to disgorge an hour's worth of egregious prose, suffering through these eminently disagreeable, sieve-headed skeezers and their prosaic attempts to celebrate the pending summer break with an impromptu slumber party that fortuitously proved to be their very last soirée! Having the ability to endure pithy verbiage such as 'Check it out!!! she 'aint wearing a bra again!', or the edifying refrain of 'We didn't fill you up full of Jack Daniel's to make you sleep!' to the sublime riposte of 'Oh! Queer-bag!!! Isn't it time you came out of the closet?' required a degree of saintliness I resolutely do not possess!

The poorly recorded sound frequently fudged many of the brackish exchanges no less clumsily than the director's turgid approach to terror tactics by imbuing the titanically irksome, surgical mask wearing, house stalking wack-job with all the legitimate threat of a 'Weird' Al Yankovic skit. At one especially low point in the lugubrious narrative one of the obnoxious girls cries out for a Valium and I felt that I had the distinct advantage since the director's sluggish exercise in cinematic inertia proved to be an effective soporific! 'The Last Slumber Party' is so uncommonly static it plays out tortuously slowly like a torpid tribute to Andy Warhol's no less sedentary oeuvre. The actions of all those making the film are so asinine, their lack of artistic integrity so absolute, one sincerely hopes that a grim fate worse than actually watching 'The Last Slumber Party' might befall all of those involved in its wholly misguided creation!

 

 

'NO ONE sees my naked neck but my old man, creep-o!'

'Mom!!! I got the Steven Tyler movie!!!  No! No! Not the Aerosmith guy...Gee, mom, always so negative....it might just turn out great!'

'For shame United Home Video!'

'If you use this part to write the script your slasher film will suck till doomsday, dude!'

'From an extra in T. J Hooker to an honest to Betsy  Hollywood movie in under 10 years, I'm a skyrocket, baby!'

'Taking it up the pooper  like a trooper don' always guarantee the best parts!'

'This skeevey director's a goddamn knee freak!'

'The Juilliard School prepares you for everything but this!'

'We also do kids birthday parties and Silver anniversaries!'

'I just saw the rushes!!! This 'aint cranberry sauce, baby cakes!'

'Sweet! No one bleeds out quite like a red head!'