The Convent (2000) – Mike Mendez.

I dig religion, I really do, without it I'd own far less music, and I'd lose 80% of my trashy horror movie collection. Nuns inspired maestro Ken Russell, and multitudes of lurid European schlock-makers to exploitation greatness. God has been good to us, and without habit-forming horror trash like The Convent, I'd have no fucking religion at all. There's a monstrous scene at the beginning, wherein a self-consciously cool chick gratuitously wastes 2rds of a bottle of JD!!!??? While Jesus won't sweat it, the devil ain't down with that, baby. Unfortunately, splatter addicts still don't earn a gratuity whenever the sonority prank/haunted house shenanigans rears its ugly head, otherwise, I'd be up to my beautiful botty in beaucoup gratuities, guy!

The Convent wisely dispenses with the snooze of a plot, and gets hectically creative with groovy-gloopy day-glow carnage! The amusingly boorish badinage, and witnessing those collegiate doofoids violently demonized proved hugely satisfying. Boozer, the dog, was another bonus, as I had somebody to really root for! Go, Boozer! Go!!!! The Convent is tiny taters next to Demons, but it is marginally better than Witchboard, but Spookies absolutely smokes its ass backwards, Hey!!!! NOTHING trumps farting mudmen, dude!!!! Final act is a Squib-tastic banger, Adrienne Barbeau rocks super-hard, single-handedly making me forget about the unwelcome disappearance of Boozer. Due to the plenitude of gory practical FX, The Convent still looks proper tasty, and the belated return of Boozer was vastly appreciated. Go, Boozer! Go!!!!