Magic Kid (1993) – Joseph Merhi.

When writing about music, I tended to review/enthuse about lesser-known bands that appealed to me, and I remain enthusiastic about indie action impresario Joseph Merhi's equally neglected action oeuvre. Magic Kid successfully evokes the same tangy, feel-good, kid-can-do kung fu vibes of family friendly Karate Warrior and Sidekicks. Not long into able Karate kid Kevin (Ted Jan Roberts), and pretty sister's (Shonda Whipple) L.A vacation they are soon deeply embroiled in boozy uncle Bob's (Stephen Furst)shady shenanigans, with Kick boxing icon Don 'The Dragon' Wilson saving the day. The formulaic premise sweetened by Magic Kid's zesty pace, boisterous likeability, plentiful fisticuffs, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, and the plucky kid's magic martial artistry. Furst's broad comedy shtick as the stumble bum agent/uncle Buck(less) frequently provides quality rib-ticklage. If a goofily Home Alone'd/Beverly Hills Ninja romp sounds appealing, the playful, relentlessly upbeat Magic Kid remains a frantically fun, more than watchable DTV actioner. I've said it many times before, but a restored retrospective of action stalwarts PM Entertainment's greatest 90s Kung Fu hits is hugely overdue.

'I'm a Ninja Dragon, and I can get you out of this mess, Uncle Bob!!!'

 Cutaway (2000) – Guy Manos.

My continued interest in film collecting isn't Blu-rays, I do purchase them, but only after they are greatly reduced in price. The largely forgotten, even misbegotten titles of unashamedly bargain-binned DVD label Prism still maintains a powerful lure. I cannot deny my appreciation of Cutaway's conspicuously DTV cast, the prospect of Ron Silver, Stephen Baldwin, Dennis Rodman, and Caspar Van Dien proved impossible to resist! I honestly feel Tom Berenger's presence is, perhaps, due to Lance Henriksen's absence, although, the late, greatly lamented Wings Hauser would have made for an edgier choice. Cutaway is by no means an original action thriller, yet due to the appealing idiosyncrasies of the cast, plentiful skylarking, and its fortuitous lapses into macho buffoonery, Cutaway's unabashed B-Movie-ness ultimately won me over! I don't exclusively watch escapist fare like Cutaway due to my bouts of cognitive instability, but I like to think that it plays a huge part in why I enjoy them so unapologetically. This formulaic retooling of Point Break is persistently enlivened by adrenalized displays of technically adept skydiving. Drinking game is optional, but you will get manifestly piddly every time 'cutaway' is mentioned in the text.

 Heavy Metal Fakk II (1999) – Michael Coldeway / Michel Lemire.

As belated sequels to bona fide 80s cult films go, the not quite so bona fide Heavy Metal Fakk II happily doesn't skimp on the bullet-shredded mayhem, or low-ball fans with the audacious boobage and salty badinage content. I've long been a 'Michael Ironside? Take my money now, dude!!!!' kinda dude, so I'm being anything but objective when I say his murderously megalomaniacal, eternal life elixir seeking sadist Tyler is the Fakk'n bomb! Briskly paced, with lively animation, and a stridently metallic score, this pleasingly straight forward Sci-fi shoot 'em up features a memorably gutsy Amazonian heroine(Julie Strain), Julie's prodigious pluck proved admirable, being an eminently root-able, voluptuously vengeance-seeking Valkyrie! On an entirely personal note, it would be unimaginable for me to truly dislike anything that excitingly began with a sequence galvanized by psychedelically tweaked Canadian thrashers Voivod! Unfortunately, it's not all wine and roses, I was unsettled by the wholly unfeeling way the amicably Pandrogynous cyber escort was so blithely destroyed!!?? Hey!!!! Sex droids lives matter too????!!!!! Don't judge me, lady!!! as it gets mad lonely up in space! In today's more politically sensitive climate, I'd hope that synthetic sex workers would be treated with much less antagonism.

The Iron Warrior (1987) – Alfonso Brescia.

Mostly non-sucky fantasy The Iron Warrior is ably produced by the same delicious disaster-mind behind fabulously freak-bearded Sci-schlocker 'The Visitor'. Conan for perma-tweaked VHS babies, haphazardly weaned on grubby Gor paperbacks, windswept, ribbon-y Duran Duran video's and actively neurotoxic food additives. Handsomely set upon a picturesque Maltese archipelago for additional prehistoric gravitas, the pulpy peplum narrative is plentifully peppered with enough Homeric bathos, and swash buckling sword and sorcery shenanigans to appease 80s fantasy fans. What pretty sword master Ator (Miles O'Keefe) lacks in charisma is strongly compensated by lean, battle-hardened sinews and epic facial bone structure, and, quite frankly, his gorgeously nubile paramour Savina Gershak lacks not one damn thing at all. Performances are adequate, the expository text provides much unintentional humour, and Wally Gentleman's especially fine photography dazzles not infrequently.

 

 'Wishing Stairs' (2003) - Yoon Jae-Yeon.

Old School K-Horror classic 'Wishing Stairs' remains a creepy Urban Legend shocker that is atmospherically stuffed to the rafters with a hair-raising plethora of Asian Terror tropes! While the oppressive Ballet school setting inevitably recalls 'Suspiria', the macabre, generously fright-packed Twinkle Twinkle Wishing Stairs is very much in a creepy class all of its very own. As an aside, I have noticed that a great number of Japanese/Korean haunted high school horrors feature profoundly unlikeable teachers, which is something I find personally relatable. 'Wishing Stairs' is quality horror, the fine performances, shuddersome set-pieces, and excellently tingly score make it eminently superior to much of the dingily recycled dross of today. Trapped inside a school of fulminating despair, some of the girl's hopes of alighting upon that mythic 29nth stair prove fatal. Be very, very careful what you wish for, since the genie lurking inside the bottle is never known to play fair!

 The Fifth Floor (1978) – Howard Avedis.

After ingesting poison, dishy disco dolly Kelly suffers seizures and is sent to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation. During her increasingly horrific stay in this generously choc-fulla-nuts psych ward, this sweet, kindly young lady is subjected to unspeakable torments at the mucky mitts of a monstrously sleazy orderly (Bo Hopkins). Avedis's Loopy Lou thriller The Fifth Floor is both earnest, wildly exploitative and deliciously unhinged, yet the mostly credible performances only just barely keep it north of utter bosh. The hyperactive, rubber-faced Robert Englund appears to be auditioning for a guest spot on Saturday Night Live, yet it is these divinely distracting lapses into unfiltered absurdity that makes it all so terribly irresistible! The Fifth Floor's squirrelly admixture of lurid W.I.P tropes, ribald Disco digressions, and rampantly Nut Hatched eccentricity strongly suggests a brand new movie cult in the making. When my time inevitably arrives, I shall openly admit that I'm hopelessly insane, since, according to trenchant Hollywood lore, to zealously claim your sanity is to guarantee another 90 days in stir!

 Invasion U.S.A (1986) – Joseph Zito.

A profoundly absurd premise given an uncommonly rigorous verisimilitude by the auspicious casting of one-man Ruskie wrecking machine Chuck Norris. Cinema remains a relatively nascent art-form, but there's very little doubt in my mind that 300 years from now, Joseph Zito's unapologetically gratuitous Invasion U.S.A will rock no less audaciously! A bravura, blazingly bullet-shredded clash of B-movie titans, wherein uber nemesis Richard Lynch and princely pugilist Chuck Norris savagely set at one another like a pair of blood mad roosters. There's no grey area here, if y'all don't love Invasion U.S.A, you're a goddamn pinko skeeze, and it's YOUR time to die!!!!