‘Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers’ (1988) - Fred Olen Ray.

Fred Olen Ray’s grisly gumshoe satire ‘Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers’ (1988) has a spectacularly lurid moniker that can’t help boorishly drawing sinful attention to itself, and joyfully, for those risqué reprobates readily drawn to such a salaciously-minded expose on mechanically-assisted hacky hookers the voluptuously vile contents might appease their unholy need for blood-soaked skeezers! Not so Private Dick, Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) is ostensibly tasked to find fluffy-headed runaway Blonde Samantha, perkily portrayed by B-Movie mistress Du jour, Linnea Quigley which inexorably leads our facetious flatfoot towards a far too intimate involvement in a current swathe of sanguineous serial killings in dismal downtown L.A., outlandishly gruesome crimes that sickly suggest the perfidious possibility of there being a malevolent, mystically-inclined chainsaw cult at work, perhaps one hysterically headed by some murderous messianic pagan, eerily resembling towering terror icon Gunnar ‘Leatherface’ Hansen himself! 

As the savagely serrated, rapidly grinding teeth of fate dangerously encircles the swarthy, tobacco-tainted neck of slick Dick Chandler and threatens to sever the appealingly less swarthy throat of slinky Samantha, it appears as though their plucky attempts to terminally thwart the increasingly insane evisceration's of the Anubis worshipping, satin draped Gunnar and his magnificently mammaried, maniacally enthralled, chainsaw massacring minions might fatally lead to their quite literal undoing! 

Not only frequently hilarious, 80s splatter classic, ‘Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers’ once again resolutely re-establishes the age-old B-Movie maxim that a perfectly perky proliferation of deliciously nubile nudie-cuties, all divinely displayed in their uninhibited, as the good lord intended, gore-spattered birthday suits, gruesomely dismembering aroused members of the opposite sex still makes for the most edifying midnight movie entertainment! 

I have long regarded maverick B-Movie impresario, Fred Olen Ray as an inspirational grindhouse god, primarily due to his eternally exhilarating, gratuitous wig-splitting splatter sensation, ‘Scalps’, but after recently reacquainting myself with his sensually sanguineous 80s satire on the inherent mortal dangers of mixing it with a twist-headed posse of power tool fixated fate-wranglers, my zealous appreciation remains unbowed! Should you ever be exotically enticed by the ferociously flesh flaying, zip-popping pinnacle of top-popping pin-up pulchritude, Michelle Bauer,it might be breast to give this bodaciously bare breasted blood-spiller a wide girth, apologies, a wide berth! Feel free to experiment with as many drugs as you like, soak up on bathtubs of booze but just stay away from idolatrous Hollyweird chainsaw cults!

‘It will take a forcefully upright dick of considerable magnitude to bring this creepily confounding case of gruesome Chainsaw chicanery to a satisfying climax!’ - Weirdlingwolf.

'These Hacky Hookers give dangerously good dead!' - Philomena Fellatio / Salon Titty.

 

 

'This image inspired my initial interest in 'D.I.T.Y' (Doing It To Yourself!)

'I ALWAYS check a John's anus beforehand, just give me a minute for my palate to kick in, big guy!'

'This is usually when I wake up stuck to my shorts!

'I assume the saw comes with the option of bodacious safety hooters?'

'I'm a freelance Chainsaw colorectal surgeon who likes the hours, baby!'

'Queen of scream Linnea Quigley is armed and dangerously hot!'

'Screw Pixar these are my kinda' Minions!'

'I used to be quite partial to carving up the Turkey at Xmas, now I let the bird do it!'

'Batteries not included!'