‘Road Meat’ (1988) – Bill Bragg.

Garishly festooned with a chewy, provocative title like ‘Road Meat’ I was greatly anticipating some righteously disgusting, good taste transgressing, blood rare exploitation fare, and the heady anticipation of watching psycho couple Nick and Vick give it some skeevey stick was soon diminished by the prosaic reality of their curiously tepid misadventures. Having the two aforementioned ex-mental patients celebrate their recent nuptials at the ‘Benway home for the criminally insane’ was, perhaps, a sardonic tribute to where the skewed sweethearts initially met, and after bloodily squishing their first victim in their exuberant haste to exit the dour-looking asylum, our newly-weds quite soon energetically manifest some additional newlydeads upon their giddy road trip to nowhere!

During our bizarre, bloody exodus with this perfidious pair of kooky lovebirds we also ‘meat’ an absurd cavalcade of no less implausible freak-balls, including a slapstick cult of identical, tracksuit clad Jesus creeps calling themselves ‘Avenging Wrath Of the Lamb’, along with benign middle-aged ‘Coupon Lady’ Dee (Marjorie Whitney), Raymond (Robert Jones), her objectionable matricide planning son, and his equally unpleasant, money grubbing wife, all being beastly to one another until they meet their well deserved but far from bloody enough ends. While not without some brief moments of esoteric amusement, ultimately ‘Road Meat’ lacked the requisite bad taste excesses of a Troma classic that would have demonstratively enlivened the all too frequently flaccid ‘comedy’ shenanigans herein displayed. 

To end on a sonorously upbeat note, the ‘Road Meat’ theme by ‘Ric Hayworth’ is a shrill, ear tormenting doozie, and by and large the lively performances from the cast were adequate, but, ultimately, it was all eminently forgettable, unlike the sprightly music, the lacklustre text was far too staid, neither fish nor frequently foul; certainly not wacky enough for comedy and not grisly enough for getting one’s cheap n’ nasty horror kicks, sadly, it was all just a bit mediocre, but then again no one ever said watching endless trashy movies was gonna’ be easy!     

'Road Meat 'aint ever as good as it looks!'

'Doh!!!!!!'

'It's always the same with you, in one temple an' out the other!'

''aint nuthin' but a flesh wound, missed my more 'vital organ', baby!'