Panther Squad (1986) – A. Dirty Dingus.

Pallid, euro-schlocked mong-meat, starring Antonio Mayans, Jack Taylor, and the queen of B-Movie mean Sybil Danning, courageously leading her nubile crew of sleekly bikini'd, fearlessly fighting felines...The Panther Squad!!!!! I almost came hard during the saccharine beauty of the slackly A.O.R'd theme tune, master gland stimulation increased exponentially due to the dysenteric dialogue, monotonously cue-carded line readings, and diabolically defacatory fight choreography. If one can endure this opening salvo of dismal dreck, your resilience to hyper-cretinoidal cinema is next-level hardy, making you a veritable god amongst B-Movie mewls. You CANNOT polish a turgid, but you CAN hire the brightly glistering Ms. Danning, who luminously provides a soothing golden antidote against the most aggressively syphilitic celluloid.

The misbegotten, barrel-scraped Panther Squad is, sadly, what happens when you didn't hire Godfrey Ho to cut n' paste your stink funnel into watchable shape. This feels indivisible from the late 80s reground pap of Jess Franco and Rene Cardona Jr, yet the obnoxious lack of T & A herein is ABSOLUTELY indefensible!!!! Handsome Euro-hombre Antonio Mayans does some proper good shouting, so effective are his hypertensive dictatorial rantings, I sincerely hope that it is recognized by the A.O.S.S.B. (the Academy of Spectacularly Stentorian Bad Guys.) When someone is labelled a 'Tough Cookie', does that mean they somehow maintain integrity after being dunked in scalding hot tea? Not asking for a friend, honest injun!!!! This liver-spotted, silage-stoked Iberian clag-nugget is reason enough to finally fully emancipate ourselves from Europe forever!