'I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle' (1990) – Dirk Campbell.

Faster than a 'Silver Bullet', more riotously revolutionary than 'Werewolves on Wheels', and no less terminally toxic than 'The Cars that Ate Paris', 'I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle' is demonstratively one of the most recklessly revved up, sardonically supercharged, ferociously fast-paced, wickedly warped, blood-suckingly sinister, wrong-headedly risqué, plasma pistoned, gore-guzzling, sleekly shaped, bespoke slasher films from the 1990s to singularly feature a beautifully built, crimson crazy, supernaturally souped-up, skin shredding succubus! This terminally twisted, ton-up tarmac terrorist, noisily tools up the crepuscular city streets in its rabid search to slake its savage sanguinary thirsts on any ill-prepared pedestrian, this menacingly motorized misfit eerily exsanguinating its hysterically hapless victims in a vile chocking miasma of bloody mist, bone dust, and eldritch exhaust fumes! 'I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle' is a white-knuckle, snidely slashing vampire Video Nasty, wherein this sordidly spike-wheeled, serially sin-seeking, carotid corrupting, ceaselessly blood-hungering, hate-fuelled, tanked up, twin-wheeled, maniacally monstrous, morbidly man-mangling motorcycle makes for one sleazy rider, this relentlessly rule breaking, bone-shatteringly boorish, Brummie-set B-Movie barnstormer has more coarse-power than 'Shaun of the Dead', and the luridly low brow, lower budget, high octane, fearlessly freewheeling, frequently funny horror film's greatest Boon are the locomotive, terrifically toothsome performances from telly's favourite he man hunks, Neil Morrissey, and the always fabulous Michael Elphick! The preternaturally perverse, campy vampy fang favourite 'I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle' just might drive you insane...with laughter!!!!

 

'Zombie Flesh Eaters 3' aka 'After Death' (1989) - Claudio Fragasso.

Much like Umberto Lenzi's equally maligned Haitian Voodoo-inspired 'Black Demons', schlock supremo Claudio 'Troll 2' Fragasso's gory, bullet-shredded zombie cannibal-crazed chow-down is far more entertaining than its middling, lukewarm reputation might suggest it to be. After an especially thrilling intro, replete with a green-slime drooling, Lamberto Bava-esque demon being invoked, and screamingly dragged back into some fiery subterranean hell, Fragasso's remarkably unhinged, volcanic island-set splatter-headed shocker delivers terror thrills, and wickedly splattery Zombie kills with laudable alacrity. Upon this savagely sulphurous, oppressively humid locale, a team of 'scientists' featuring hard-bodied adult film star Jeff Stryker, legendary Italian stuntman (Ottaviano Dell'Acqua), and a group of bellicose 'Zombie Creeping Flesh' style mercenaries accompany the beautiful Candice Daly to this benighted Island hothouse whereupon the 'scientists' misguidedly quote forbidden passages from 'The Book of The dead', thereby immediately drawing the grossly unwanted attention of a mouldering multitude of mush-headed, darkly shrouded, fast-moving, gore-guzzling ghouls, who in the time honoured horror trope sinisterly surround our beleaguered protagonists which gorily heralds a fabulously gruesome siege, ending in a ferociously fatalistic climax, enlivened by a fantastically doomy, pulse-rousingly exciting synth score by maestro Al Festa, with the relentless, generously blood-squibbed Zombie slaughter being expressed by some appropriately apocalyptic 'acting'. Claudio Fragasso's volcanically villainous, Voodoo-Island splatter insanity 'After Death' is not only a gruesomely rampaging, terrifically trashy zombie gut spiller, but acts as a cautionary tale over the myriad dangers inherent of so recklessly reanimating a flesh-craving horde of creepily corroded corpses!!! 

 

'The Turners of Prospect Road' (1947) – Maurice. J Wilson.

A warmly wholesome shaggy dog's tale about an adorable grey whippet puppy, and the bright-eyed travails of flat-footed pooch 'Blackie' is a veritable canine Rocky of greyhound racing, a good-humoured, sweetly nostalgic 1940s romp, so you'd be barking mad to miss it! 'The Turners of Prospect Road' has a delightfully woolly headed charm that rabid dog lovers will find especially appealing, a well acted, emotionally rewarding drama that bounds joyfully over the finish line to a rousing climax, and should get your weary tail wagging enthusiastically in avid appreciation of this plucky, raven-haired hounds furry entertaining exploits! And once again the hugely talented character actor Wilfrid Lawson delivers another immaculate performance as the kind-hearted proletariat father Will Turner. 'The Turners of Prospect Road' is the gently soothing cinematic equivalent of imbibing a piping hot mug of nut-brown tea and scarfing up one too many generously buttered crumpets! 

 

'Two Thousand Maniacs!' – (1964) H.G Lewis. 

A majestic movie malignancy of arbitrary corpse-making cruelty, sordidly slashing savagery, bellicose bodily bludgeonous deaths, exquisitely deliberate eviscerations, violently disgorging glissy entrails, calamitously corrupting cranial crushing carnage, galloping gouts of gelatinous gore, fearlessly filleting femoral arteries, orgiastically consuming outrageously oleaginous, outlandishly off-coloured offal, morbid misappropriation of miasmic organic matter, and creepily communing with corporally challenged citizens whets my wickedly warped appetite for post-mortal maleficence!!! I'm here to testify that gruesomely splattery massacres still matter, dude! Like good ol' smiler here, I got me an' axe ta' grindhouse!!!!! This heroically horrible H.G Lewis classic swells my gore-gland to an eerie conniption fit!!!!!!!!!!! Why settle for just one flaccidly flaying, mask-wearing mummy's boy, when y'all can have 2000 fausand maniacs!!!!!!! This one's a 'barrel' of lurid laffs!!!! Geddit!!!???? Happy Hacky Halloween!!! (This especially malodorously manhandled manuscript to one of my favourite splatter movies is both a tawdry tribute to the almighty Gorefather H.G Lewis, and to musical maestros Carcass!!!)

 

'Every Day's a Holiday' aka 'Seaside Swingers' (1964) – James Hill.

This frequently energetic, charmingly old-fashioned 60s musical lark is boisterously set within a colourfully, bustling seaside resort, making a suitably gaudy backdrop for a marvellously pop-tastic myriad of broad comedy vignettes, high-energy dance numbers, and positive, upbeat pop music, all enthusiastically performed by the scintillating, sparkling likes of John Leyton, Mike Sarne, Freddie & The Dreamers, Liz Fraser, and featuring another amusing turn from masterful Thespian Ron Moody as the kindly, but altogether duplicitous music teacher Professor Bastinado. Enjoyed as a deliciously frothy example of consistently wholesome, intermittently finger poppin' nostalgia, the effortless effervescence of 'Ever Day's a Holiday' remains joyously undiminished, and still makes for a jaunty momentary escape from the humdrum reality of increasingly shrill 24/7 news media, and the small screen hegemony of unrelentingly egregious fast food delivery adverts! James Hill's playful film's many highlights include a spicy rendition of 'What's Cooking?' by an amusingly animated Freddie & The Dreamers which is a most flavoursomely satisfying treat, as is a delightful 'Cor! Blimey!' comedy number from Hammer icon Michael ripper and partner in song Ron Moody, while it's all a bit of silly-headed nonsense, but sometimes silly-headed nonsense is an entirely welcome distraction! And it must also be said that said film also benefits greatly from the blissfully perky presence of the undeniably delicious-looking, blondely bomb-shelling Baker Twins whose handsome looks belie an entertainingly dearth of musicality!

 

'Ghost Warrior' (1984) – J Larry Carroll.

For all its modest running time, the unfairly neglected 'Ghost Warrior' (1984) is, for me at least, one of Empire Pictures more fascinating and singular productions, much like the iconic, neon-bright Sci-fi mash-up 'Trancers', 'Ghost Warrior' is a low budget, boldly inventive Sf/Chanbara hybrid about an enigmatic protagonist from an alternative time-line adrift in the greatly disorientating milieu of 20^th century Los Angeles. Yoshi (Hiroshi Fujioka) an esteemed Samurai Warrior from 16^th century feudal Japan is Rod Serlinged into a discombobulating diorama of unfamiliar technologies, amusingly prototypical B-Move Gang-bangers, a strange, oppressively vast city with its perplexing multitudes of baffling cultural incongruities, a burgeoning love affair that spans centuries, and the shock rocking sounds of L.A. metal warriors W.A.S.P all coalesce to make Yoshi's fateful sword-slashing exodus such a quixotic B-Movie delight! Two splendidly engaging lead actors, another nifty score by maestro Richard band, and some sanguinary Samurai showdowns made me a hardcore believer, man! 500 years ago deadly samurai Yoshi was left for dead, in 20^th century L.A. he's woken up completely on the wrong side of his head!